If she finds the right guy who makes her happy, she is most certainly capable of having satisfying sex with him, and only him. They are into freaky, kinky sex and have weird fetishes. Casual sex is a matter of a woman seeing something she wants and not denying herself of going after it. They have low self esteem. They have no self-respect.
Similar to low self-esteem, this is far from true. Self respect is a balance of courage and awareness. A woman can have the strength to stand up for herself when she feels uncomfortable, and how much sex she has, has nothing to do with this. They have daddy issues. Not all women who have casual sex have daddy issues.
They have mommy issues. Along with daddy issues, people often wonder what kind of a relationship a woman has with her mother when she is having sex with whoever she wants. They are incapable of settling down or wanting to. But as my friends and I discovered at fifteen, it seems to depend on a lot more things for women than for men.
In order to make desire conscious, a host of factors must be met simultaneously. This makes a certain intuitive sense. The same goes, I'm sure, for casual sex. Do women like it? I'm sure many do, or would. But do they want it?
That surely depends on many things. As I argued in Mass Erotic Choice , it's to some extent influenced by what their friends are doing. Is the current "hookup culture" good for women? Is it good for sex? The best sex, like the most orgasmic sex, usually happens with a partner whom one knows well. Is a hookup ordinarily the best way for a young person to spend a Saturday night? Again, I doubt it. But I guess it might depend on what the alternatives are.
Psychology Today loves to study what they call "hook-ups" and their effect on women. Because Psychology Today is a patriarchal entity that likes to push marriage and relationships, the conclusion of every Psychology Today blogger will always be that short term sexual relationships are very bad for women. But women keep having short term sexual relationships, so if it was so bad then why do women keep doing it?
Do all women everywhere suffer from debilitating low self-esteem which results in this PT-labeled bad behavior? Or is there more to the story. But let's put all this aside for the moment. Is the purpose of sex only to achieve orgasm? I'd say absolutely not. Sex often comes with a component of intimacy, discussion, vulnerability and connection.
Short term sex will almost always have these components, and most people benefit from all of them. This is why people probably have short term sexual encounters. Before, during and after sex, sex partners get to create a temporary connection that may make them feel friendly, sexy and human. On another note, no writer on Psychology Today has ever been concerned about whether short-term sexual relationships are bad for men.
Apparently, short term sexual relationships with men are an approved activity. However, the math doesn't work out. IFf hook-ups are bad for women yet good for men and everybody listened to Psychology Today, then there would be a gross partner imbalance. Nobody calls out men who have hook-ups by telling them that nobody will want to marry the town bike, they must have had terrible childhoods or that they have low self-esteem.
So why do these get laid on women? Here's my 2c worth:. Women have probably always enjoyed casual sex. But pre-Pill, there was the risk of getting pregnant.
Then the pill came along and were women allowed to enjoy hook-ups? Of course not, there was societal disapproval, the risk of getting a 'reputation'. Then came AIDS so again, women, back in your box.
Now with the advent of the internet and hook-ups being so easy and not quite so stigmatised as previously, how are we going to fix those uppity women?
Why, 'studies have proven XXX' of course! By which they mean they interviewed a bunch of college students and asked ambiguous questions...
They are suffering, sometimes crying at the drop of a hat, because they opened up to a man, and he left. And here is Part 3. Good sex is just good sex. Sure, for someone who feels like sex is lacking — good sex means everything. To feel beyond the horniness in to our heart. And we will not just attract physical intercourse — but attract invisible sex, like the energy of attraction, playfulness, and polarity that you can experience when you are vulnerable and therefore become more polarised in to your unique feminine energy.
To explore and increase your own feminine energy, see more here. I imagine that good sex with just some man is nothing like good sex with the man who peels you open in trust for him, the man who belongs only to you.
And you to only him. As one honest commenter says: Sometimes, men get hurt in casual sex situations such as his reputation gets hurt, but nothing like the deep heartbreak and emotional turmoil a woman can feel. Men get emotionally hurt, but much less than women IF the sex is purely casual. Casual sex hurts men differently to how it might hurt women. Men risk their families for it the wife finding out somehow , they risk getting STDs, they risk their reputation if their social group finds out, and especially if the social group finds out he slept with a woman whom they do not consider to be attractive.
I would say that men and women get hurt just as much as each other when the sex is not just purely casual — i. However, in casual sex where the man is not emotionally invested in her, women almost always lose something of value. And that value that is lost, is not necessarily the fact that they let the man have sex with them. We still need each other emotionally. But research has proven over and over, even in this day and age, that men desire fidelity highly in a wife the woman he commits to.
And if a woman opens up to him sexually without her asking for much of his investment in her, then it will feel to him like she is easy. So, no, I argue that women are not empowered by giving themselves sexually in a casual way. Just in case you thought women were the only ones who lose something from having many sexual partners…. A child with two caring, committed parents arguably has more resources on his or her side than a child with one parent.
Although, of course, a child with two parents in an unhealthy relationship could be worse off than they would be with just one involved parent. From the perspective of his long term mate value relationship value , the more women a man sleeps with without an emotional investment, the more he loses value. This quiz will help you! So, the more we as a woman or a man open ourselves to be sexually intimate and to intertwine with another human casually, the more we potentially lower our value.
Consequently, the man loses social value and mate value: The more a man gets involved with lots of women, the more jaded he can become, and the less innocent, which makes him less fresh and valuable emotionally for a long term relationship. And I theorise that we think this way because when we keep letting in the wrong people over and over, we lose valuable emotional energy and innocence to be spent in the higher value mates. Both men and women risk getting a bad reputation. Yes, men suffer from engaging in casual sex too, because they become known as a womanizer, and women are less likely to invest emotionally in them.
But we often forget that. Men are also potentially risking costly divorce, risking getting STDs, risking a little bit of money, time and maybe a little bit of energy. But still, often, men will be congratulated and will be encouraged for doing casual sex.
Men get congratulated because they got a good deal. Men get congratulated for having lots of sex with women, not just because people are sexist per se, but because they got a fantastic bargain. Whereas, women let something valuable go, at not even a fraction of the price. I talk about why this is in PART 1. Can you see how it is disempowering to encourage women to do it with no strings attached, when she always has to open in some minimal way, in order to let the man into her?
Sure, we should be sexually liberated — but when a man has gained our trust. We want women to freely have sex, but we invalidate their emotional pain or even trauma related to casual under the carpet?
What exactly do we want to achieve here? Free sex for all, but not free support for when it goes wrong? But we are also suppressing women by invalidating the feelings of women who really want to feel trust before sex. Because these women, then go on to feel like their desire for deep emotional connection are wrong; or uncool. We are empowered and liberated when we are connected to what is real, and what is true of our bodies.
Does it have to get to the point where we put a penis on to ourselves just to prove we can be them? No, our anger should be over the fact that a man wants sex with us without ever gaining our trust! No, we are the gatekeepers of our bodies.
In fact, it could mean the opposite of positive: A few possible reasons: None of these things means he has any emotional attachment at all. Just because a man spends a tiny amount of money on breakfast relative to his income , does not mean he is interested in seeing his casual sex partner ever again.
And it is this emotional attachment in a man that most women want. Our bodies are ours. A man in love will care, but a casual sex partner? His responsibility at this stage, especially where he has no emotional investment in the woman, is to do the best for the survival of his genes. And by the way, imagine for a moment that you are the seller of your home.
Might there be something wrong with the house? I understand that there are cases where a purely sexual relationship is slightly more long-term than a one night stand or casual sex over a couple of days. And, these are the cases where a woman is more likely to be getting something in return for her sexual offerings. An authentic relationship is based on vulnerability. And over time, as each partner makes themselves more vulnerable, the relationship becomes more sacred, more beautiful and more trusting.
But these short-term exchanges? The fuck buddies or friends with benefits? A woman can be involved in these AND receive substantial value back from the man short term emotional connection, sex, money, protection etc. So we are reducing ourselves to a human taking what we want for pleasure and comfort; rather than risking ourselves going out into the dating market with a truly vulnerable yearning. The man or the woman is going to become more vulnerable than their partner — and the other person will go: You were a mean time man!
Of course, everyone has a sex drive. What we do with that is up to us. Some people just want to orgasm. Some people want something deeper. We can choose to open beyond the need for an orgasm in to yearning and vulnerability for a high value man, or we can choose to shut off to yearning and vulnerability, reducing feelings of attraction. I know everyone wants to believe that women should have the same rights as men when it comes to sex. Some women want to be able to have the same social acceptance for doing it a lot and often, with different partners.
Does that seem fair? But no culture allows a man to divorce a woman based on inadequate earnings! So, no, men also have to deal with situations that feel unfair. And as much as we want to deny it…the double standard re: Sex with a woman is still something that a woman needs to be the gatekeeper on, why?
I receive plenty of emails with women feeling this way. When it comes down to it — No denying what we want commitment and devotion from a man , from fear that we might not have it, and no amount of cognitive dissonance will change what biology has done for millions of years. When there is so called free sexuality, and women are sexually liberated in a way that makes sex easily available , the value of sex goes down. It is not liberated to approach sexuality without realising that it performs emotional, evolutionary and reproductive functions deep in our body.
Want part 3 of this series? Here is Part 3…. Please share your knowledge and stories below — where other women can learn and connect with you, too.
I look forward to hearing from you! Ladies, there are a lot of really mean guys out there who will do whatever it takes to get you into bed and publicly brag about it afterwards. They think your love stuff is silly. The best thing you can do it make them wait a few months. I have been on both sides of the issue. I was a religious virgin until I was 24 years old! It served me well because I was emotionally damaged and immature coming from an abusive home.
I have no regrets about that decision, it saved me a lot of heartache because it did not allow any guy to use me for sex. I finally opened up to a good man who cared for me and it was amazing to be with him. We both understood that there was no relationship potential, as he lived far away. I found that if i had no interest in a relationship with the guy, then there was no attachment to him and no emotions to get in the way.
I would only sleep with a man if he was clean and I knew he genuinely liked me and I can say I had some very nice shared experiences and did not feel used or emtpy at all. As others have said, you have to know what your needs and intentions are. I did get used once and it was awful. One boyfriend told me that by 25 years old, he had slept with over 60 women!
That was a huge turn off, there goes his mate potential. I guess I was number But I am very glad that I had sex before marriage because I needed to learn about what sex really is and how to know if I am sexually compatible with a guy. But I would draw the line at maybe no more than 10 partners. Think about how dirty prostitutes look. I always enjoy your articles as well.
I appreciate your defense for the woman who waits as being liberated in that she has strong boundaries and protects her heart and body. I have been dating a man for two months and have chosen to not sleep with him. Sex is a bonding experience for me, and I know it! Might as well go rent the Uhaul, lol. The result is that this relationship is moving along at a slower pace than any I have had in the past.
I went through a very emotionally connected situationship with this guy I used to have a crush on in high school. We ended up sleeping together too early and over the months, we grew closer and closer…. He kept trying to keep me with him by lying when I outright asked if he has feelings for her. He would gaslight me with saying no and make me feel like the one in the wrong when I got upset about it.
Eventually, I saw the messages between them and I stormed out…. A few months later, he starts trying to keep me in his life, but he never owned up to the fact that he chose the other girl and betrayed me. To this day, he never admitted what he did. I think those two are still together too and it sucks. Very true, an easy girl is not trustworthy, and will be avoided by any sane guy looking for a LTR.
The reverse is also true to a smaller extent. Having a high notch count is not the huge accomplishment for either sex since the cultural shift and Tinder. Regarding the friends with benefits thing, I think thats a good thing for women- when done occasionally. Women are so vulnerable when it comes to safety, they have to think twice when choosing a partner — just google to see images of drunk passed-out naked women who have no idea someone removed their clothes and posted pics of them on the internet for posterity.
It could be even worse than that! Not sure if this is true — I mean no long term relationships would break up if this was a real thing! Its not a bad idea to know your body and what works for you. I happened upon your website about a month ago while doing research.
I cannot express how utterly enthralled I am by your professional style and amazing ability to communicate. For this series in particular, I was wowed by the amount of work and information you made available. I cannot thank you enough for these posts.
They are very insightful. I love how you asked the hard questions, and then answered them in a concise, informative, and compassionate manner. This was a great article and very unbiased.
As a man learning about these things to have a deeper relationship with a woman, there is one thing that still confuses me.
The whole commitment thing. Meaning what are the boundaries of commitment? And also you talk about it being emotionally detrimental to a woman. And based on this article it seems to be the same for woman but for a guy myself anyway it seems to be we want the physical part more than the emotional part. And swapped for the woman. But if the woman is getting upset by not having the emotional aspect fulfilled it is also a feeling of needs not being fulfilled.
So this makes me think is it really just logic pretending to be emotion? So if a woman feels used or abandoned after sex, this is a lack of need being fulfilled and brings out the emotion and not the other way around.
As the used or abandonment feeling being a logical matter in mind first. As we compare lack of, with fulfillment.
For myself i love sex due to being to lustful i will admit that. Meaning i was deprived but curious so it has become somewhat of an attachment that i feel i need to pursue. It makes me feel very immature though hence why im learning all this stuff now. Thank you so much for writing this! Especially coming form a liberated woman as yourself, these words are so true and powerful.
Keep up the good work and I enjoy reading your posts. She was so open and loving and vulnerable and I was so jaded and worried — she did not lose her virginity but I worry that she will feel that pressure when she likes a young man who is a seemingly good person just not mature and not fully valuing her. Its ever so painful to watch. Anyhow, I wholeheartedly agree with Part 1 and 2, it is so well written and explained and for many years it plagued me as to why I feel so vulnerable in a sexual relationship — but it is key to recognize how you act and feel and protect yourself and your value.
Its harder these days to support a teen to do this when so many girls are giving it away and boys are taking freely. I am afraid she is in for a lot of heart ache through high school.
I can only imagine what you are feeling. Falling in love has nothing to do with age. A 16 or 17 year old boy can be as emotionally committed as a 50 year old. But settling down does not mean committed. They could sit in the one relationship because their sex drive has changed, or because they feel like they have less options. Commitment in an emotional thing.
If I were in your position, I would feel fully where your daughter is at, and allow her to have her feelings right now — and validate them; make her experience real and understood and put yourself on her side right now. Only from that place will you guys have enough trust that you can then start to ask her to listen.
Always trust yourself and make choices from your heart, when it comes to these difficult situations. I am not trying to proselyte here, but my church website has some excellent resources for the youth.
You may want to look through some and share them with your daughter as you think is appropriate. Some is doctrinal specific to our church, most is more general. Hi Beth, I also have a daughter and so this issue may come up as she gets older. I myself follow the simple statement and like to pass it on to other ladies: Their DNA was wired this way since cave man days. Self respect is a balance of courage and awareness. A woman can have the strength to stand up for herself when she feels uncomfortable, and how much sex she has, has nothing to do with this.
They have daddy issues. Not all women who have casual sex have daddy issues. They have mommy issues. Along with daddy issues, people often wonder what kind of a relationship a woman has with her mother when she is having sex with whoever she wants. They are incapable of settling down or wanting to. It is a common assumption that if a woman likes to sleep around she will never want to get married or start a family. They grow and learn and mature.
Women who like to have casual sex may not want to do it for the rest of their lives, and are probably learning that along the way. Writer based in the Philadelphia area. Person who really loves her dog and watching cooking shows.
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